.tied up.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

i've gotta rush this, cause i gotta be out in half an hour, and i haven't packed, showered... yada yada....you get me.
anyway.i wanna say.
i've been very tired.
just exhuasted emotionally.
it feels like friendships, relationships, all just can't seem to work out.
i put effort into them...
some of which i put a whole lot into,
but the other party just doesn't see it,
goes around telling someone else that "hey, it's so hard to get close to her."
and they talk about stuff behind your back.
and they are your friends!
not just any friend.
close friends!
they start to b*tch and b*tch and b*tch til they lose their original focus and start churning out deeper and more hurtful things...
(i can't believe it used that word.)
and nobody wants to talk about it.
everyone prefers to dust everything underneath a carpet.
to leave it there.
and pretend that everything's alright.
i must say,
i'm tired.
and i'm fine with just showing a side of myself,
neat and proper on the outside,
and a pile of rubble hidden beneath a huge carpet,
standing tall behind me.
i'm perfectly fine with that.
don't tell me that i'm so and so...
don't tell my other good friends that i'm so and so...
especially when you never had the guts to ask me and find out why i did certain things,
why i said those things i said.
my intention was never to bring anyone down.
i always purpose to do good around them.
but well.
some people are blinded by their own thoughts.
and the thoughts of other friends,
start to cloud their minds even more.
a friend came up to me and wanted to trash things out with me.
only to realise, that after the 3 hour conversation.
it was all a misunderstanding.
i did what i thought was good.
they just couldn't see it.
til i expicitly pointed it out and said,
"hey, i purpose to say that"and gave them my reasons,
their reply, "HUH?!"
"oh... yeah i understand it now."
i mean, why waste your energy being angry at people,
when all you could have done was openly asked "why?"
it's not like i wouldn't tell you about it.
i would.
gladly.
so many misunderstandings.
and i too, prefer to hid them beneath a carpet.
to dump them somewhere else.
to portray a pleasant sight.
i guess that's my fault.
i'm too tired to try anymore.
i'm not perfect either.
i've got my many flaws.
intentions are good.
actions and timing may be wrong.

i had a conversation with a friend.
talking and talking...
we ended up quarrelling.
but the weird part of the whole conversation really was.
i wasn't quarrelling with anyone.
he was fighting with himself!
and i couldn't do anything about it.
i felt so helpless.
i tried to push him, to help him, to overcome that inner confused self.
but he broke under pressure.
and i guess that's my fault.
i shouldn't push him that hard.
but what was i to do.
i saw the need.
and i wanted to help.
intentions are good.
actions and timing may be wrong.

i lack the wisdom.

i thought i did what was right.
acountability.
doing exactly what the spiritual leaders say to do.
i thought it was good.
i thought it was correct.
if it is, then it can't be wrong.
and should be done.
so i did it.
but i guess, you couldn't see beyond that.
and i know,
i was insensitive.
i apologise.
but why.
i don't get it.
were you ashamed?
what's there to be ashamed of?
were you fearful?
what are you afraid of?
doesn't this show you something too?
that we're so different??
but anyhow,
intentions are good.
actions and timing may be wrong.

i'm exhausted really.
emotionally drained.
i wish i could spend a day at home,
rest,
and take my mind of things.

i hate receiving your phone calls.
makes me all uncomfortable.
i hate having to always consider what you'll think.
i detest having always to choose my words.
to think clearly before i speak.
so place so much caution in my speech.
i'm afraid you won't understand me.
i'm afraid you'll misunderstand me.
i can't stand the fact that you're so sensitive.
you've got a wrong impression of me.
you want attention.
you think everything must be earned.
but you don't realise,
God supplies all good things.
He alone supplies them.
You can't earn them.
He gives themall you have to do, is RECEIEVE.

i speak with you almost everyday.
you sms.
we chat.
i fear meeting up with you somehow.
i don't have that trust and peace within me.
do you know me?
why talk as if you do?
do you think this surface friendship will get any deeper?
i don't know.
i don't think i wanna sow into anymore friendships anymore.
i'm tired.
and i know i won't be able to sustain it.
if you're willing.
i think you'll end up doing most of the work.
too much, would push me away.
too little will result in stagnancy.
it's not your fault.
i'm just lazy.
tired.
exhausted.
i don't wish to give of myself to anything more.

i just want a couple of good friends.
i just want to be able to keep myself within a safe circle.
i don't want to go through the whole introduction.
"Hi, this is me, i'm like this... "
i mean, seriously
it's tiring trying to open yourself up to so many people.
it's tiring having to report to everyone,
"hey, this is what happened today."
"hey, this is what happened today."
"hey, this is what happened today."
"hey... you know what. i'm tired. we'll talk about it another day"
someone will feel left out.
someone will feel that you're not being fair to him/her.
i'm your friend.
you should tell me and confide in me.
but don't you get it?
i'm just tired.
tired of everything.
i wish i could just shut myself up for a while.
and not talk to anyone.

1stly, i won't have problems that way.
2ndly, i don't have to report them.

perfect.

as much as i know friendship takes 2 hands to clap.
and i know,
i too am guilty of hoping that someone tells me their problems.
i too am guilty of the longing to be a part of someone's life.
i too am guilty of demanding a say, demanding a stand, demanding knowledge of a person's life.
but don't you see.
it's all a selfish game sometimes.
you want something.
but that person may not want to give it to you.

sometimes,
people just want happy times with you.
they expect each outing to be enjoyable.
fun-filled.
and you, knowing you're not too happy that day.
have to plaster a smile on your face.
accommodate
and remind yourself
"today is happy day."
cheer up.
pretend.

but friendship is all about accommodating.
learning to give and take.
being willing to take the load sometimes.
sharing.
sometimes holding back.
having wisdom.
being truthful and open.
being patient.

sometimes,
its just so difficult to be a friend.
intentions are good.
actions and timing may be wrong.

jia i miss you.
really i do.
there's so much i wanna tell you.
and i'm happy
i'm happy that we're going serve together.
at least,
we'll be able to spend the last 2 months with each other.
(that's if it's the last)

i'm so worn out and tired.
i just want to sit down somewhere...
and just rest in Your presence.
no need for facades.
no need for painted faces.
i need You.

[ Jude whispered ][ 10:32 AM ]

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